Entry 5 ~ Anniversary Series


March 11, 2009

We couldn’t put it off any longer. We needed to make a decision that day.

The final decision was made with a room full of people. Some that should not have been there.

No changes. No hope for them. No feelings, no emotions for me. 100% numb.


Dad breathed his last an hour and half after the decision was made.

When he passed on my siblings cried for mercy, and I told them to keep it down for respect of others beside us.

Yep. That’s the stupidest thing to say, EVER, after family member number 5 has just died in less than 15 days.

I wish I would have said, ‘cry at the top of your lungs and fuck what others may think. Just let it out.’

We are so trained to live for those around us, even in our darkest moments, our feelings are denied. I hate it.


Hours had passed and Nick kept holding on. It was late and no one was thinking straight or functioning at any level for that matter.

Get some rest they said, take the pager they said.

I had just pulled the covers over my face to try and block out the images of that day and the pager beeped.

Patient. Has. Passed.

That was it. It was over.

I was never going to be the same again. EVER.

I needed to get through one more funeral. I wanted to run.


Until next time,

Eva Cool