Entry 4 ~ Anniversary Series
After my last post I felt a sense of peace. I owned my story and fully accepted it for the first time in 7 years.
Because I don’t know how to just sit in something for even a little bit, my mind immediately went on to the next anniversary and I got panicky. Like I can’t breath kind of panicky.
People would often ask me, ‘how do you still believe in God after all that’s happened to you?’ Aside from 2009, I made it through some big stuff growing up and then another story in 2005 that you’ll hear about in April.
I could honestly always say that it had never been a question for me. How could I not believe in God? He had been with me through it all and I couldn’t imagine doing any of it without him. The big guy and I were tight.
I survived the whole 2009 horror. Without getting bitter.
Then March 21, 2013 happened.
This one is a doozy you guys.
I cannot write out the events of that day. Just thinking about it sends me straight into a deep pit of misery.
I can tell you that I HATE March 21. I had the worst day on Monday. Every bloody thing went wrong. By the end of the day I needed to lock myself away to maintain some form of sanity.
That day in 2013 is the day Gary had his first seizure, which led to his diagnosis of brain cancer.
People often say, it’s a good thing we don’t know what lies ahead of us, because we probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Yeah that’s about right.
This one has nearly killed me. One heartbreak at a time. Literally.
Before this, something would come my way and I’d push through it emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
If it brought glory to God, I was in. I could do it (more like he could do it).
This one made me bitter. Towards God. Towards people. Towards life.
To this day I don’t see ANY good in this story. In my heart I know God has shown up a million times (in fact he’s never left) but I don’t feel it.
This one killed my life long dream of serving internationally, only after dangling it in my face.
There was a point where it had taken off with every ounce of hope I had ever felt.
Sounds awful. It was.
You have to understand that I didn’t wake up one day and choose for this one to be different. I wish I could have just pushed through it again and praised God along the way. Believe me, in the beginning I tried. Then my heart and body just slowly started shutting down.
Beyond my control. Freakishly scary.
I’ve heard it all.
Pray Eva. Believe Eva. God loves you Eva. He’s got big plans for you Eva. Stay strong Eva.
It was all I could do to just keep breathing, but then not even that came natural.
I wish I could give you a happy ending to this story but no; I’m still in this one you guys. Knee deep.
This story is not what it looks like to the rest of the world. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to open this chapter of raw to you guys, but for now, please hear me when I say, never judge a book by its cover.
Just never judge, okay?!
Even though I’m still in the midst of this story, I’m at a place now where I’m starting to pick up my head again. Thanks to my spiritual mentor, psychologist and a handful of close friends.
I am dreaming again. Hope is back. (I like her ;) )
I have no idea how this story will end. But I know I’ll be okay.
God and I are holding hands again and it’s beautiful.
I love Him. He loves me.
Until next time,